With bitterness and sweetness,

I say, it’s an end of an era.

Two of my close friends just got married and Eat Bulaga’s OG hosts just got wiped out.

I hate you Jalosjos you’re like the Voldemort in this universe together with Marcos Jr. You two are one and the same.

My heart hurts not hearing JOWAPAO T_T, Maine, Allan K and all the other hosts’ voices echoing our living room. Sometimes, no one really watches. It’s just white noise in the background- accustomed familiarity of Eat Bulaga gracing every lunch time.

I miss it so much.

My lola would also have her TV open playing Eat Bulaga from start to finish. Other noon time shows did not stand a chance.

Even when we went abroad, we had GMA Pinoy TV where we would watch EB.

I fret during holy weeks where they would play drama stories XD

I would wait for Saturdays for their better than weekday productions.

I missed out funeral masses just because I was so hooked with the aldub craze. Even if the fad would be absurd sounding now, I loved it and it is every bit part of me, a Filipino.

Even during times when JDL and Wille would hurl parinigans to each other, I have always rooted for EB

It’s never the same T_T why did they have to do that.

Especially not Alexa Miro, another voldemort apolo10 and not Paolp Contis, a womanizer who keeps running away from responsibilities (have some balls man)

to sum everything up, ew.

just change the name from EB to EW coz it’s a downgrade.

burn in hell, voldermorts

Di ako magaling magsalita
in straight thought kaya sinusulat ko to
just so malinaw at wala akong maiwang sasabihin.

Simulan ko sa misunderstanding nung Friday.
Di naman siguro masama na mafeel ko na nainvalidate ako nung sinabi mong “di naman importante yan”. Kahit na hindi ganun ang ibig sabihin mo, somehow I just needed you to understand that this is where I’m at. And I was looking for comfort in your words but I found none. Nonetheless, I said sorry just because you said you didn’t mean it that way. I felt bad about it and said sorry. After which, I said sorry and asked you what’s wrong to which you said, nothing.

So I went home thinking it was nothing but your coldness somehow said something. So even if you said it was nothing, I still said sorry, albeit short, I said sorry. Where again, you said nothing.

Hours later, I messaged and called you if you were coming. You said that you couldn’t make it to my friend’s wedding party. I understand that you have been busy. Nevertheless, it made me feel sad. But understand that work has always been our priority. Thus, I said okay.

9 hour later, I told you I missed you. To which you simply reacted with a heart. I added this to the list of “maybe he is too busy to reply” and I let it go.

I had a blast at the party and at the sportsfest. We were supposed to celebrate all of them together but you weren’t there. All of those, I understood because it was after all, your priority.

But after everything, I let you, by the time I was going to sleep, too tired of the world, all I wanted to do was talk to you. But you still weren’t there but still, I chose to think that you were so tired of today’s work that you’ve forgotten to call.

I couldn’t sleep at all.
I kept thinking.
and thinking.
I even thought about how it was in the past with past lovers who have broken my heart before
and I never thought I would feel the same sadness as I have felt before.

So I called you because it’s been 24hrs since we last talked.
I didn’t care if I will be breaking your sleep. I just needed to know that you loved me still.

So I called you.

To my surprise, you were awake.
Your voice was cold, non challant.
I asked, are you sleeping?
It turns out you were not.
And that instantly threw me.
I never thought you would do that

To allow anxiety to creep up on me

to allow my day to happen without him being part of it.

to just simply let me sleep sad without the care to assure me that all will be fine.
It felt like a betrayal.
I kept thinking how could he?
after all the tears and laughs and idiosyncracies?

You did say sorry.
but the thought of you doing that
felt like a latch in place
to lock to ship you and I away – from each other.

So here I am today,
Feeling like destiny is a joke
and promises are nothing but bullshit
and love is not assured unless it speaks for itself.

You were right, mom. You said I didn’t deserve love – so here it is.

Just typing in 6 in the morning to finish my report but instead, I ended up stalking my young self in IG.

I wonder how my 23 year old self did it — travelled to Iloilo, Cebu, Hiked at Mt. Pinatubo, Masungi Georeserve and Tri-city-ed (Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia) all in one year (2016). I mean how? I was earning 15K – with deductable taxes. I got around 7k every two weeks so how in the world of time and financial management??

I admire my younger self how I was strong and determined and full of life. How I was brave and funny and funny. I loved the experiences that shaped me, I love the people that loved me. Why does it feel like everything was so simple back then – everything felt real, pure, and less complicated.

Back then, happy meant happy, no other buts and ifs – I can cliff dive without thinking about my dog getting sick or my parents getting old. I did not have to think of work and how I’m my back’s hurting. I did not think of going back into shitty commute come Monday or my depleting savings. I did not think about where I will be in 5 years time. I was not conscious of my weight or how wrinkles are haunting me. I enjoyed life as it is.

I hate to say this but I’m old. I think about bills and taxes and I get irritated easily. I get tired of long walks and no-chill travels. I am bothered by my bank account and pictures that remind me that youth is barely hanging on. Bitterness and worry and is now a constant companion. Albeit more knowledgeable, everything came with a price and in this case, happiness of being young and unaware.

For the past days, my parents have been flanging insults here and there, threatening annulment here and there. even taking things baranggay level. This cycle has been this way since I was a kid. We were always the receiving end of mom’s frustration and dad’s hot headedness so it’s not anything new. They want our buy ins all the time, asking us to agree ( even if we don’t) — a nod or silence is not enough.

Sometimes, maybe just like a normal human being, you get so fed up with the weekly shit they put you in.

There are times that you can however, tune out the voices that force you be involved, to take sides however, this has not been the case recently.

My sister went out to run some errands for my mom which involved heavy coins. She asked me to come with her however, I had work (wfh) so I begged off. On top of this, I heard her saying that she will be duplicating her house keys.

I was in the middle of a meeting when I heard a hard knock on the door. I had to open my FB messenger to confirm that it was someone I know. It turns out it was my sister. She messaged me 4 minutes ago, asking me to open the door because she was carrying something heavy. So I said wait but immediately went down to open the door. She was frowning. So I said, “galit na galit?” because I did not know where she was coming from, why she mad all of a sudden? For making her wait for 4 minutes? She started saying – not saying, partly yelling – that she has been waiting – she was carrying something heavy etc. — so i said I was in the middle of a meeting and hearing her was impossible. I went up to go back to my meeting when she started chatting me too – same shit she’s been giving me for not opening the door soon enough. I restricted her messages and she started calling — blocked her too since she’s heard all i have to say and she’s just doing shit to piss me off.

That’s when I took the argument to a group chat with my mom – where my mom immediately sided with my sister. Which got me so frustrated because all she said was I should say sorry to my sister, I should be considerate and nice. This bitch been talking nonsense stuff to me, This eventually led to me building anger.

I slept afterwards but the stress still felt.

I went into another meeting about a budget proposal.

My mom wants to talk about the issue immediately after reaching home.

I was asking her politely if we can discuss after an hour or two but insisted that my sister is waiting for me down stairs. I was not on mute – in which her words interrupted the reporter.

I went down already with so much frustration.

My sister reasoned the same

my mother reasoned the same

and my frustration of these bitches at home talking about annulment

how we have to save up money

how not opening the door soon enough was may fault

how my mother’s sisters started reaching out to me, airing their concerns

how I’ve been telling my father to talk to my mother coz she being so unreasonable about it

I felt so far away from being heard

My mom threatened me that she would stab me with a fork if i don’t stop yelling.

But I said do it, kill me.

Like she’s been doing so all my life.

She started holding my mouth and her nails were digging into my face, i pushed her away,

That’s when I started throwing stuff at home.

Our life vests, our kick board.

And my dad who has been silent for so long – who made faces whenever I told him to make up with mommy

was suddenly a hero for breaking up a fight

Ofcourse he found the opportunity to insert himself after being missing in action

After allowing us to be in such fiasco of anger and hatred.

Ofcourse everything had to be my fault in the end

As a bonus, my mom would always tell me how unlovable I am, how unworthy of love I am.

When my life would not be this way if I was allowed to flourish where I bloomed.

You brought me here. You put me here.

And when it’s no longer convenient for you, you’re taking me away from here.

I’ve never put stuff that terrorized me in writing because i hate to remember but this time, I wanted to remember how cruel my parents were. I’ve got bruises on my fingers and a scratch on my cheek and lip but I’ve got far worse injuries that that. They took me to nice places but hell was also part of the destination.

I’m thankful for my work from home credits today because I got to take care of my home errands and I got to process my passport.

PASSPORT

Today is the day I learned that SM Cherry is closed to Masinag than Cogeo. I felt kinda silly riding to Cogeo just to end up riding a jeep to Masinag. Actually, this part of my day was kind of clutched. I was in a hurry not to miss out my 4PM appointment + I was a bit nervous because I was only carrying 1 valid ID. I developed some kind of valid ID processing anxiety because of always failing to bring the correct requirements. As I was waiting, I was overthinking worst case scenarios. But surprisingly, everything went smoothly (for the first time). Funny thing, when I had my photo taken, part of my hair was up XD. I was too shy to ask for another shot when it was already my 2nd shot. I was smiling in my photo! (pwede pala yun) as long as the teeth is not showing. Next stop: DRIVERS LISCENCE!

MCDO

After taking time for myself at Jollibee where I ordered Jolli hotdog, Fries, Pineapple Juice and Chocomallow Pie, I rode an e-tric on my way home and fell asleep. Maybe I got to worked up overthinking my passport. When I woke up, the tric driver asked me where I want to be dropped. From my contemplation earlier, I wanted to visit the church so I said “Simbahan”. I went down at Chowking and walked the always familiar streets of my 2nd home, Antipolo Cathedral. I was looking around, checking to see if there was anyone with a familiar face. I decided to go inside and listen in. There was a Kumpisalang Bayan where I saw our past co-youth ministers who were then the ones we led and now, they are the ones leading the youth ministry. I then left when I found out when my co-minister peers were in McDo sekamplor XD. And there, we spent time updating each other where we left off. We talked about their wedding preps and how busy we are at work and how we miss the youth ministry and how we are no longer there. (or atleast it feels that way) I feel a nostalgic twist in my stomach that I feel everytime I meet up with my old friends. I’m changing everyday that it’s bitter sweet to once in a while look back to where we came from. I feel happy and sad to know that I’m no longer where I am but somehow I wish things lingered a little longer. I wish I didn’t need to miss the ministry as much as I do now but happy to know that I’ve grown into the woman I am today because of the blessings of the youth ministry. Getting in touch with my roots, I feel like I remembered so much that I’ve long forgotten, how I loved the church, how every fiber of my being is was and will ever be because of the youth ministry, how I’ve met life long friends because of the youth ministry, how grateful I am for the priceless memories and blessings of this ministry. I ended up going home feeling like my steps were lighter and my heart more at peace meeting my 2nd home ❤

It’s 2023, doing my new work in a new company.

Far away from you and your memory.

I don’t even go to the church where I first you.

But as I was busy with my own shit.

I heard a song and another that led me to playing Saglit by Moira.

I hate that song. With all my heart I do.

Not because of Moira’s airy vocals or that the tone is too sad for my liking but because this song has always reminded me of the pain I experienced because of you. My pain.

And somehow, even after me moving on, it still twists something inside of me.

I feel sad for my younger self. For wanting you so much to want me.

And beyond all the hate I’ve projected, there’s always that tiny and vulnerable me that questions why it had to happen and why it had to end that way.

Seriously, you fucked me up so much.

Most of the pain, I’m not sure if it was still necessary for my future growth.

But now that I’ve grown, I still resent you. I have not forgiven you for all my young angst.

I want to tell you that I’ve coped.

Despite your wordlessness and absence. I’ve coped

On my terms, on my own

I am now in a healthy relationship where I am treasured and valued.

I want you to know that what you destroyed has been restored, probably not in the way you’ve first seen the unscathed me but hopefully better.

This is my oath to be a better person from this day forward.

To make matters short, I had a bad day.

I was late because my ID and keys decided to go missing.

While looking for them, my Dad told me that I cannot go out without washing the dishes.

As I washed the dishes from last night, I was reflecting on why everyone has a decision for me.

What happens in my life is a decision others make for me.

My weekends are booked out because of a ministry I do not love

My weekdays are jammed because of a long as travel to work

My friend’s wedding is coming and we spend hours to be able to finalize their wedding plans, at the back of my mind, I find some of the meetings entirely unnecessary

I found my self promising that when it’s my turn,

I will not burden anybody with my plans

I will not be selfish to tie my children at home

I will be more supportive on their expressions

I will not put them in a ministry where I learned more toxicity that I ever learned about love.

Finishing the dishes, I heard a loud crash. I thought it was from our neighbors

5 mins after , Daddy came in with a serious face (it was not anything new to me) he always wore that expression as if he hated being my father.

I came out the door and walked my way to the tricycle terminal

then I saw our car.

It was tipped over, broken windows, our belongings mixed up with shattered glass, car belly showing

It was our family car

I know for sure it was working

But that moment I just want to mourn and cry.

Cry for the old that has passed

For my parents who are ageing

For my sister who didn’t take her pre-med in a better school

For the time I spent pleasing people I don’t like

For the pretending day after day to be a likeable person and to be hurt when things go south

For me, for feeling like I will always be along

For not being able to think of a person to run to at that very moment

The shattered glass just opened my eyes that I’ve been walking around with a shattered heart all a long

Broken soul, shattered dreams, hands in shackles, lost.

I just want rest.

I want to choose for myself just this once

That very moment I just wanted to sit by the car and cry

but I didn’t instead I went on my way to work and to pretend as if the windows were not as shattered as me.

It's me. Hi. I'm the problem it's me.

Taylah Swift just release a new album – Midnights.

I’m not gonna say it’s the best album there is since my favorite album still stands to be Lover. Maybe it’s the missing bridges that leave you breathless. Maybe it’s my preference for pop over anything else (thus my preference for Lover). Maybe it’s the absent catchy lyrics or the easy listening words. Sometimes, some songs do not register because the tune sounds familiar already. The album did not leave me in complete shock but nonetheless, it still delivered. It was still poetic and storybook like.

RANKING MIDNIGHTS by TAYLOR SWIFT tracks (including the 3am edition tracks) according to my preferences:

1. Question…?
2. Anti-Hero
3. Mastermind
4. You’re On Your Own Kid
5. The Great War
6. Bigger Than The Whole Sky
7. Karma
8. High Infidelity
9. Sweet Nothing
10. Paris
11. Labyrinth
12. Vigilante Shit
13. Bejeweled
14. Midnight Rain
15. Maroon
16. Snow on the Beach
17. Lavender Haze
18. Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve
19. Glitch
20. Dear Reader

Tangina nyo. 🖕🏽🖕🏽🖕🏽

I live for clichés. Here I am, one tiny cliché of a person.

September has not been too nice lately. Is it because I failed to do an internal “September, please be good to me” at 11:59am of Aug 31?

Sometimes, I would feel like I am the only one who understands me. Most of the time, I feel alone and no one’s favorite. I’ve gone through so much self hating and loving I should get used to this by now. However, here I am, sad and angsty. Hating on what the world keeps away from me.

Most often, when I have a problem, it’s my problem. When it’s their problem, it’s my problem as well.

I feel unwell in the head. Cheers.